The Lady Blogger

I Think I'm Charming, You Should Too

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

'Tis the Season to Get Embarrassingly Drunk at Holiday Parties

There's nothing like the Christmas season to have an excuse to do some solid weekday drinking.Last night I had the good-fortune to attend someone else's company holiday party where I did not have to be accountable for my own actions. This is the second year I have invited myself to this soiree, and a good time is always had by all. 

The standout highlight last year was the discovery of an adorable Christmas catkin, which I promptly stuffed into my purse and has since been proudly displayed on my refrigerator. But for the last 365 days I have struggled with the decision of which festive and slightly homicidal looking kitty to showcase... until a Christmas miracle happened at the dessert table last night and we found a duplicate. Thank you Santa, just like Journey I won't stop believin'.

  Editor's Note: Isn't the way I used a dog magnet to hold up my catkins ironic? Get it? Because they're cats, and it's a dog magnet, and dogs and cats normally don't like each other... Get it?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

This Happens When I Drink Tequila

This text message brought to you by Sunrise Tequila.

Me: I may or may not have just made it rain w/FSView newspapers on the fine patrons of Mockingbird. Wednesday night: success.
Sent: 11:35 p.m.

And if you were wondering, no one in this hipster bar was at all amused with my creative distribution of the news.

Sober Follow-up Text This Morning

Friend: Come on. Tell me the truth. You did crystal meth, didn't you? Nobody drinks well tequila.

Me: I think well tequila is made out of crystal meth.

Well played Wednesday, you got me good.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Facebook Status Etiquette: An Addendum

We couldn't just stop at four rules, so here are some late additions that didn't make the original post. Patrick, you are one funny sum'bitch.

5. Enough with the Heartfelt Chain Posts.

Now let me be clear. I love my family and friends and I support those with illness. I also love God and the good ole U.S of A. What I do not support, however, are these ridiculous chain posts, demanding that I complete a task in order to prove my patriotism, show that I love my family, avoid a life of spinsterhood, or some other bleak outcome. Case in point, the below post from my beloved aunt who shall remain nameless.


Let's be honest. We all have at least one relative, probably an aunt, who engages in this unacceptable Facebook behavior. Also, all caps are UN-FUCKING-ACCEPTABLE. Knock it off before I permanently hide your posts. 

6. This Is Your Facebook Page, Not Your Kid's. 

Look, I'm happy that you have a baby. I really am. I even like looking at a few of the new pictures that you post, especially after he/she was born. But there comes a time when you have to take your page back. If you want little Johnny or darling Susie to have a page, make them one. Turning your profile into a living scrapbook for your kid might be sweet but it's not why I accepted your friend request. I have nothing against baby photos or the occasional cute mishap, but I don't need to know that Conner took a crap in the bathtub or left a crayon in his pocket.   

Facebook Status Etiquette

Facebook should be a safe environment for us all to lazily maintain friendships and obsessively follow people whose last names we would otherwise not know. I am the first to admit that there are some people on my friends list that exist only for me to read their status updates and think "Well, at least my life isn't that". And while I truly enjoy a good (and by "good" I mean "terrible") status update, there are some simple guidelines we should all follow when broadcasting the details of our lives to 300+ of our closest friends we've only met once in a bar:

  1. Don't Post Mopey Things About Your Ex.
Breakups are hard, I get that. But your chances of ever being with that person again are drastically reduced with every status update where you publicly announce your undying love for them or passively aggressively point out all of their flaws through a series of song quotes (we'll address this in depth in rule #2). Hint: Just because you don't use their name, doesn't mean we don't know exactly who you're talking about.

    2.  Ease Up on the Quotes.

Sappy song lyrics and/or quotes from authors you've never heard of, let alone read, are generally unacceptable. I don't want to see anything about "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". This is your worst. And it's not attractive.

   3.  Don't Call Your HR Manager a C*NT in a Public Forum.

Sure, I have hateful days at work too. Posting about how much you can't stand your job/co-workers/boss is maybe not the best solution to correcting a hostile office environment. Oh, and DON'T CALL YOUR HR MANAGER A C*NT IN YOUR STATUS UPDATE. Seriously, are you not Facebook friends with one single person you work with?! How are you still employed?

   4.  Don't Post Pictures of Your Bloody Finger.

Or any other bloody body part for that matter. I don't think this one needs further explanation.

Special Thanks to my brilliantly funny friends, Liz and Patrick, for inspiring/co-writing/editing this post with me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dress You Up In My Love

Halloween is right around the corner, which means it is every girl's excuse to go out on the town in their underwear in a vain attempt to pass it off as the slutty version of something normal. You know what I'm talking about-- slutty nurse, slutty schoolgirl, slutty slut, slutty whoopie cushion (no really, this exists. I saw it with my own eyes on a trip to Vegas. God bless attention seeking girls with low self-esteem that will go to any and all lengths to take something ridiculous and make it "sexy"). Turns out, these gals are on to something.

The Lady Blogger is a big fan of dressing up, so when I joined an adult kickball league my first instinct was "Well obviously we are going to costume." Themed costumes. Every week. Much to my surprise I faced no opposition from my teammates and thus began my tenure as the Creative Director for the mighty Honey Badgers. So every Thursday we get dressed up and get blackout drunk while we play a game invented for elementary schoolchildren, and it is glorious. After the games all the teams congregate at a local bar and something unexplainable happens-- the Lady Boners and I get hit on, a lot. Sometimes by other drunk kickballers, other times by regular drunk bar patrons. And occasionally even by sober bar patrons- and we're not even in slutty costumes. One of our more recent themes was video game characters and my friend wore a Toad outfit involving a helmet. I love her with my whole heart, but it truly made her look like a special ed student... and the boys went wild.

I can't tell you how many times I have made a tremendous effort to do my hair and makeup for a night out on the town and go the entire evening without being approached by a single gentleman caller. But somehow in costume I have a 100% success rate. Here's what I have learned from some of the biggest hits: 
  • Freaks and Geeks costume that revolved around a middle-school mathletes shirt that said "Math Wars" and had a picture of Yoda on it (thank you Goodwill gods, I couldn't have even dreamed that one up on my own)-- Because smart is the new sexy?
  • A homemade tutu-- I actually don't like to think about why guys find this sexy because it feels a little like How to Catch a Predator.
  • Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell-- Because every male aged 25-35 had wet dreams about this girl next door.
At the end of the day, I have no idea why this works. Maybe it makes girls less intimidating to approach. Maybe I am attracting closet freaks that are into that whole pretending to be someone else Eyes Wide Shut fantasy. I don't have all the answers. But taking a trip to the Halloween Discount Center on November 1 to stock up on clearance thigh highs and pleather dresses couldn't hurt.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Here's My Card

I always hear those ads on Pandora for the free business cards and when they're rattling off all three ways you can use them they mention "dating cards" and I think "what the fuck is a dating card?" After hours (i.e. minutes) of research (i.e. a Google image search) I found this online dating site that will print you business cards that have a conversational heart pick-up line on the front and the address to your online profile on the back. So I decided to totally rip off their idea and try my hand at making my own. Hallmark is going to be calling any minute now.



Collect the Whole Set!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Love Your Lady Bits

This week I have been eating my emotions instead of drinking them since the pain of our Epcot adventure is still too fresh in my memory (and bloodstream). As always, this brings up a fresh crop of neurotic insecurities about my body image. I was unloading to a few of my lady friends and I was surprised to hear a lot of the same insecurities echoed back to me, which I found to be completely absurd since all of my friends are absolutely gorgeous, obviously. So why is it that we can dish out compliments to each other, but not to ourselves? Here are some Lady Blogger tips to loving every inch of that beautiful bod of yours:

  1. Get Naked -- I find that I look significantly better naked than I do clothed. There aren't any tight waistlines making my muffin top bulge over, resulting in extra ass-space that looks like I'm hiding an adult diaper and a small family of refugees in there. I am certain that my neighbors also appreciate my get naked/open all the windows policy.
  2. Get Fancy-- Every once in a while earmark an evening out dedicated to one sole and selfish purpose: lookin' hot. Spend a ridiculous amount of time on your hair and makeup, pick out an outfit that makes you feel sassy, and gather up your Lady Boners for a night on the town. Is this completely shallow and vain? Yup. Should you find the beauty within your heart or some other inspiring bullshit like that? Sure, couldn't hurt. But in the short run, this plan works just fine. Note: I have found that creating an inspiring music montage brings this experience to another level. Mine is titled "Happy Fun Girl Time" and is full of BeyoncĂ© songs. Because no one sings with more "I am a treasure to behold and OH NO YOU DIDN'T just look at another woman because if you did I well set yo' ass out on the street" than she. I'm pretty sure that's the title of her next album.
  3. Get Out of Your Head-- I was recently guilty of letting someone else's obviously impaired judgement lead me to believe I was not lookin' my best on a Get Fancy night. There's no denying it hurts a little when there is perhaps someone in particular you are trying to impress and they are perhaps a little too drunk and socially awkward to ever let you know that making out with you would be a true pleasure. But I guarantee you there are plenty of other people out there thinking "Oh wow, it WOULD be a true pleasure to make out with that fine looking piece of Lady ass!" Oh yeh, and your real beauty is in your heart or something. 
And if any or all of the above don't work, remember: we have all been there. For some of you it's that day every once in a while that you just feel "blah". And for others of us it is an every day struggle to love yourself and what you're working with. So let's lift each other up and remind ourselves that we are treasures to behold, because BeyoncĂ© aint triflin'.

Some of you may have seen this on Facebook already, but it's worth a re-share. It's a story about being a mermaid vs. being a whale. Let me also remind you that whales are the largest mammals on earth, which means they have the largest reproductive organs known to man. Now that's one big Lady Boner!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Let's Get Physical

I was getting my fitness on at the gym last night with my bestie and our trainer decided to mix things up a little with our ab workout. He led us over to the Ab Glider machine and this conversation happened:

Him: Have you ever done this machine before?
Me: I'm not sure...
He gets on machine and demonstrates.
Me: Ohhh, is it kinda like a sex swing? Then yes, yes I have done this before.
Him: I'm not sure Liz is big enough for this machine.
Me: Where are the child-sized sex swings?
Liz gets on Ab Glider
Liz: I feel like I keep moving but nothing's happening.
Me: See, it's exactly like sex.
Him: Ok, let's move on to something else.

Today I challenge you all to try something new (or strangely familiar). Happy Thursday!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Oh, Hey There!

Welcome to my little nook of the Interweb. As a reader of this blog, you have a lot to look forward to, like--
  1. My witty and insightful musings on life in general. But mostly my disastrous attempts at flirting and dating.
  2. The general satisfaction of knowing there is someone out there that is far more awkward and terrible than you are (you're welcome).
That's it, just two things. I like to set the bar low.

So feel free to read, leave comments, or send me e-mails criticizing my lifestyle choices. And for those of you that don't want to miss one single humiliating Lady Blogger moment, you can use the sign-up option to the right to follow by e-mail.


Love You, Mean It.
The Lady Blogger