Facebook should be a safe environment for us all to lazily maintain friendships and obsessively follow people whose last names we would otherwise not know. I am the first to admit that there are some people on my friends list that exist only for me to read their status updates and think "Well, at least my life isn't that". And while I truly enjoy a good (and by "good" I mean "terrible") status update, there are some simple guidelines we should all follow when broadcasting the details of our lives to 300+ of our closest friends we've only met once in a bar:
- Don't Post Mopey Things About Your Ex.
Breakups are hard, I get that. But your chances of ever being with that person again are drastically reduced with every status update where you publicly announce your undying love for them or passively aggressively point out all of their flaws through a series of song quotes (we'll address this in depth in rule #2). Hint: Just because you don't use their name, doesn't mean we don't know exactly who you're talking about.
2. Ease Up on the Quotes.
Sappy song lyrics and/or quotes from authors you've never heard of, let alone read, are generally unacceptable. I don't want to see anything about "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". This is your worst. And it's not attractive.
3. Don't Call Your HR Manager a C*NT in a Public Forum.
Sure, I have hateful days at work too. Posting about how much you can't stand your job/co-workers/boss is maybe not the best solution to correcting a hostile office environment. Oh, and DON'T CALL YOUR HR MANAGER A C*NT IN YOUR STATUS UPDATE. Seriously, are you not Facebook friends with one single person you work with?! How are you still employed?
4. Don't Post Pictures of Your Bloody Finger.
Or any other bloody body part for that matter. I don't think this one needs further explanation.
Special Thanks to my brilliantly funny friends, Liz and Patrick, for inspiring/co-writing/editing this post with me.