This Happens When I Drink Tequila

This text message brought to you by Sunrise Tequila.

Me: I may or may not have just made it rain w/FSView newspapers on the fine patrons of Mockingbird. Wednesday night: success.

Sent: 11:35 p.m.

And if you were wondering, no one in this hipster bar was at all amused with my creative distribution of the news.

Sober Follow-up Text This Morning

Friend: Come on. Tell me the truth. You did crystal meth, didn't you? Nobody drinks well tequila.

Me: I think well tequila is made out of crystal meth.

Well played Wednesday, you got me good.

Facebook Status Etiquette: An Addendum

We couldn't just stop at four rules, so here are some late additions that didn't make the original post. Patrick, you are one funny sum'bitch.

5. Enough with the Heartfelt Chain Posts.

Now let me be clear. I love my family and friends and I support those with illness. I also love God and the good ole U.S of A. What I do not support, however, are these ridiculous chain posts, demanding that I complete a task in order to prove my patriotism, show that I love my family, avoid a life of spinsterhood, or some other bleak outcome. Case in point, the below post from my beloved aunt who shall remain nameless.

"YOUR SON WILL HOLD YOUR HAND FOR ONLY A LITTLE WHILE, BUT WILL HOLD YOUR HEART FOR A LIFETIME. IT'S SON'S WEEK... IF YOU HAVE A SON OR SONS WHO MAKE YOUR LIFE WORTH LIVING JUST BY BEING AROUND THEM & IF YOU'RE PROUD OF YOUR SON(S), COPY AND PASTE TO YOUR STATUS"

Let's be honest. We all have at least one relative, probably an aunt, who engages in this unacceptable Facebook behavior. Also, all caps are UN-FUCKING-ACCEPTABLE. Knock it off before I permanently hide your posts. 

6. This Is Your Facebook Page, Not Your Kid's. 

Look, I'm happy that you have a baby. I really am. I even like looking at a few of the new pictures that you post, especially after he/she was born. But there comes a time when you have to take your page back. If you want little Johnny or darling Susie to have a page, make them one. Turning your profile into a living scrapbook for your kid might be sweet but it's not why I accepted your friend request. I have nothing against baby photos or the occasional cute mishap, but I don't need to know that Conner took a crap in the bathtub or left a crayon in his pocket.   

Facebook Status Etiquette

Facebook should be a safe environment for us all to lazily maintain friendships and obsessively follow people whose last names we would otherwise not know. I am the first to admit that there are some people on my friends list that exist only for me to read their status updates and think "Well, at least my life isn't that". And while I truly enjoy a good (and by "good" I mean "terrible") status update, there are some simple guidelines we should all follow when broadcasting the details of our lives to 300+ of our closest friends we've only met once in a bar:

1. Don't Post Mopey Things About Your Ex.

Breakups are hard, I get that. But your chances of ever being with that person again are drastically reduced with every status update where you publicly announce your undying love for them or passively aggressively point out all of their flaws through a series of song quotes (we'll address this in depth in rule #2). Hint: Just because you don't use their name, doesn't mean we don't know exactly who you're talking about.

    2.  Ease Up on the Quotes.

Sappy song lyrics and/or quotes from authors you've never heard of, let alone read, are generally unacceptable. I don't want to see anything about "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". This is your worst. And it's not attractive.

   3.  Don't Call Your HR Manager a C*NT in a Public Forum.

Sure, I have hateful days at work too. Posting about how much you can't stand your job/co-workers/boss is maybe not the best solution to correcting a hostile office environment. Oh, and DON'T CALL YOUR HR MANAGER A C*NT IN YOUR STATUS UPDATE. Seriously, are you not Facebook friends with one single person you work with?! How are you still employed?

   4.  Don't Post Pictures of Your Bloody Finger.

Or any other bloody body part for that matter. I don't think this one needs further explanation.

Special Thanks to my brilliantly funny friends, Liz and Patrick, for inspiring/co-writing/editing this post with me.