Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife, Hide Your Hamburgers

Happy Halloween!

Dress You Up In My Love

Halloween is right around the corner, which means it is every girl's excuse to go out on the town in their underwear in a vain attempt to pass it off as the slutty version of something normal. You know what I'm talking about-- slutty nurse, slutty schoolgirl, slutty slut, slutty whoopie cushion (no really, this exists. I saw it with my own eyes on a trip to Vegas. God bless attention seeking girls with low self-esteem that will go to any and all lengths to take something ridiculous and make it "sexy"). Turns out, these gals are on to something.

The Lady Blogger is a big fan of dressing up, so when I joined an adult kickball league my first instinct was "Well obviously we are going to costume." Themed costumes. Every week. Much to my surprise I faced no opposition from my teammates and thus began my tenure as the Creative Director for the mighty Honey Badgers. So every Thursday we get dressed up and get blackout drunk while we play a game invented for elementary schoolchildren, and it is glorious. After the games all the teams congregate at a local bar and something unexplainable happens-- the Lady Boners and I get hit on, a lot. Sometimes by other drunk kickballers, other times by regular drunk bar patrons. And occasionally even by sober bar patrons- and we're not even in slutty costumes. One of our more recent themes was video game characters and my friend wore a Toad outfit involving a helmet. I love her with my whole heart, but it truly made her look like a special ed student... and the boys went wild.

I can't tell you how many times I have made a tremendous effort to do my hair and makeup for a night out on the town and go the entire evening without being approached by a single gentleman caller. But somehow in costume I have a 100% success rate. Here's what I have learned from some of the biggest hits: 

• Freaks and Geeks costume that revolved around a middle-school mathletes shirt that said "Math Wars" and had a picture of Yoda on it (thank you Goodwill gods, I couldn't have even dreamed that one up on my own)-- Because smart is the new sexy?
• A homemade tutu-- I actually don't like to think about why guys find this sexy because it feels a little like How to Catch a Predator.
• Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell-- Because every male aged 25-35 had wet dreams about this girl next door.

At the end of the day, I have no idea why this works. Maybe it makes girls less intimidating to approach. Maybe I am attracting closet freaks that are into that whole pretending to be someone else Eyes Wide Shut fantasy. I don't have all the answers. But taking a trip to the Halloween Discount Center on November 1 to stock up on clearance thigh highs and pleather dresses couldn't hurt.

Here's My Card

I always hear those ads on Pandora for the free business cards and when they're rattling off all three ways you can use them they mention "dating cards" and I think "what the fuck is a dating card?" After hours (i.e. minutes) of research (i.e. a Google image search) I found this online dating site that will print you business cards that have a conversational heart pick-up line on the front and the address to your online profile on the back. So I decided to totally rip off their idea and try my hand at making my own. Hallmark is going to be calling any minute now.

Front:

Back:

Collect the Whole Set!

Love Your Lady Bits

This week I have been eating my emotions instead of drinking them since the pain of our Epcot adventure is still too fresh in my memory (and bloodstream). As always, this brings up a fresh crop of neurotic insecurities about my body image. I was unloading to a few of my lady friends and I was surprised to hear a lot of the same insecurities echoed back to me, which I found to be completely absurd since all of my friends are absolutely gorgeous, obviously. So why is it that we can dish out compliments to each other, but not to ourselves? Here are some Lady Blogger tips to loving every inch of that beautiful bod of yours:

1. Get Naked -- I find that I look significantly better naked than I do clothed. There aren't any tight waistlines making my muffin top bulge over, resulting in extra ass-space that looks like I'm hiding an adult diaper and a small family of refugees in there. I am certain that my neighbors also appreciate my get naked/open all the windows policy.
2. Get Fancy-- Every once in a while earmark an evening out dedicated to one sole and selfish purpose: lookin' hot. Spend a ridiculous amount of time on your hair and makeup, pick out an outfit that makes you feel sassy, and gather up your Lady Boners for a night on the town. Is this completely shallow and vain? Yup. Should you find the beauty within your heart or some other inspiring bullshit like that? Sure, couldn't hurt. But in the short run, this plan works just fine. Note: I have found that creating an inspiring music montage brings this experience to another level. Mine is titled "Happy Fun Girl Time" and is full of Beyoncé songs. Because no one sings with more "I am a treasure to behold and OH NO YOU DIDN'T just look at another woman because if you did I well set yo' ass out on the street" than she. I'm pretty sure that's the title of her next album.
3. Get Out of Your Head-- I was recently guilty of letting someone else's obviously impaired judgement lead me to believe I was not lookin' my best on a Get Fancy night. There's no denying it hurts a little when there is perhaps someone in particular you are trying to impress and they are perhaps a little too drunk and socially awkward to ever let you know that making out with you would be a true pleasure. But I guarantee you there are plenty of other people out there thinking "Oh wow, it WOULD be a true pleasure to make out with that fine looking piece of Lady ass!" Oh yeh, and your real beauty is in your heart or something. 

And if any or all of the above don't work, remember: we have all been there. For some of you it's that day every once in a while that you just feel "blah". And for others of us it is an every day struggle to love yourself and what you're working with. So let's lift each other up and remind ourselves that we are treasures to behold, because Beyoncé aint triflin'.


Bonus
Some of you may have seen this on Facebook already, but it's worth a re-share. It's a story about being a mermaid vs. being a whale. Let me also remind you that whales are the largest mammals on earth, which means they have the largest reproductive organs known to man. Now that's one big Lady Boner!


http://www.facebook.com/notes/shay-mitchell/whale-vs-mermaid/257680077609409?ref=nf

Let's Get Physical

I was getting my fitness on at the gym last night with my bestie and our trainer decided to mix things up a little with our ab workout. He led us over to the Ab Glider machine and this conversation happened:

Him: Have you ever done this machine before?

Me: I'm not sure...

He gets on machine and demonstrates.

Me: Ohhh, is it kinda like a sex swing? Then yes, yes I have done this before.

Him: I'm not sure Liz is big enough for this machine.

Me: Where are the child-sized sex swings?

Liz gets on Ab Glider

Liz: I feel like I keep moving but nothing's happening.

Me: See, it's exactly like sex.

Him: Ok, let's move on to something else.

Today I challenge you all to try something new (or strangely familiar). Happy Thursday!