The Lady Blogger

I Think I'm Charming, You Should Too

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dress You Up In My Love

Halloween is right around the corner, which means it is every girl's excuse to go out on the town in their underwear in a vain attempt to pass it off as the slutty version of something normal. You know what I'm talking about-- slutty nurse, slutty schoolgirl, slutty slut, slutty whoopie cushion (no really, this exists. I saw it with my own eyes on a trip to Vegas. God bless attention seeking girls with low self-esteem that will go to any and all lengths to take something ridiculous and make it "sexy"). Turns out, these gals are on to something.

The Lady Blogger is a big fan of dressing up, so when I joined an adult kickball league my first instinct was "Well obviously we are going to costume." Themed costumes. Every week. Much to my surprise I faced no opposition from my teammates and thus began my tenure as the Creative Director for the mighty Honey Badgers. So every Thursday we get dressed up and get blackout drunk while we play a game invented for elementary schoolchildren, and it is glorious. After the games all the teams congregate at a local bar and something unexplainable happens-- the Lady Boners and I get hit on, a lot. Sometimes by other drunk kickballers, other times by regular drunk bar patrons. And occasionally even by sober bar patrons- and we're not even in slutty costumes. One of our more recent themes was video game characters and my friend wore a Toad outfit involving a helmet. I love her with my whole heart, but it truly made her look like a special ed student... and the boys went wild.

I can't tell you how many times I have made a tremendous effort to do my hair and makeup for a night out on the town and go the entire evening without being approached by a single gentleman caller. But somehow in costume I have a 100% success rate. Here's what I have learned from some of the biggest hits: 
  • Freaks and Geeks costume that revolved around a middle-school mathletes shirt that said "Math Wars" and had a picture of Yoda on it (thank you Goodwill gods, I couldn't have even dreamed that one up on my own)-- Because smart is the new sexy?
  • A homemade tutu-- I actually don't like to think about why guys find this sexy because it feels a little like How to Catch a Predator.
  • Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell-- Because every male aged 25-35 had wet dreams about this girl next door.
At the end of the day, I have no idea why this works. Maybe it makes girls less intimidating to approach. Maybe I am attracting closet freaks that are into that whole pretending to be someone else Eyes Wide Shut fantasy. I don't have all the answers. But taking a trip to the Halloween Discount Center on November 1 to stock up on clearance thigh highs and pleather dresses couldn't hurt.


  1. I'm pretty sure this is the best blog post on Halloween costumes EVER. I am not even bothering trying to look "hot" this year because I'd rather be funny and comfortable. So thank you for this post!

  2. LoL yes!!! the exact same things happens to me all the time! last halloween i had to dress up several different days for work and each night i got hit on like nothing else! i was not slutty or skimpy i was just in costume. but any other night i am at work dressed better i would not get hit on at all! its weird how things work out sometimes. loving the blog!!

  3. Thanks ladies! Because I feel like we are best friends now, I will share a little story with you that didn't make it into this post.

    Last week after our game I got a text message from a teammate saying her boyfriend's brother, who was also at the game, thought I was really hot. I was wrapped up in an airbrushed blanket that has baby jungle cats on it (a Christmas gift from my mother, who gives the best/worst gifts known to man). There's hope for all of us!