Facebook Status Etiquette

Facebook should be a safe environment for us all to lazily maintain friendships and obsessively follow people whose last names we would otherwise not know. I am the first to admit that there are some people on my friends list that exist only for me to read their status updates and think "Well, at least my life isn't that". And while I truly enjoy a good (and by "good" I mean "terrible") status update, there are some simple guidelines we should all follow when broadcasting the details of our lives to 300+ of our closest friends we've only met once in a bar:

1. Don't Post Mopey Things About Your Ex.

Breakups are hard, I get that. But your chances of ever being with that person again are drastically reduced with every status update where you publicly announce your undying love for them or passively aggressively point out all of their flaws through a series of song quotes (we'll address this in depth in rule #2). Hint: Just because you don't use their name, doesn't mean we don't know exactly who you're talking about.

    2.  Ease Up on the Quotes.

Sappy song lyrics and/or quotes from authors you've never heard of, let alone read, are generally unacceptable. I don't want to see anything about "If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best". This is your worst. And it's not attractive.

   3.  Don't Call Your HR Manager a C*NT in a Public Forum.

Sure, I have hateful days at work too. Posting about how much you can't stand your job/co-workers/boss is maybe not the best solution to correcting a hostile office environment. Oh, and DON'T CALL YOUR HR MANAGER A C*NT IN YOUR STATUS UPDATE. Seriously, are you not Facebook friends with one single person you work with?! How are you still employed?

   4.  Don't Post Pictures of Your Bloody Finger.

Or any other bloody body part for that matter. I don't think this one needs further explanation.

Special Thanks to my brilliantly funny friends, Liz and Patrick, for inspiring/co-writing/editing this post with me.

Dress You Up In My Love

Halloween is right around the corner, which means it is every girl's excuse to go out on the town in their underwear in a vain attempt to pass it off as the slutty version of something normal. You know what I'm talking about-- slutty nurse, slutty schoolgirl, slutty slut, slutty whoopie cushion (no really, this exists. I saw it with my own eyes on a trip to Vegas. God bless attention seeking girls with low self-esteem that will go to any and all lengths to take something ridiculous and make it "sexy"). Turns out, these gals are on to something.

The Lady Blogger is a big fan of dressing up, so when I joined an adult kickball league my first instinct was "Well obviously we are going to costume." Themed costumes. Every week. Much to my surprise I faced no opposition from my teammates and thus began my tenure as the Creative Director for the mighty Honey Badgers. So every Thursday we get dressed up and get blackout drunk while we play a game invented for elementary schoolchildren, and it is glorious. After the games all the teams congregate at a local bar and something unexplainable happens-- the Lady Boners and I get hit on, a lot. Sometimes by other drunk kickballers, other times by regular drunk bar patrons. And occasionally even by sober bar patrons- and we're not even in slutty costumes. One of our more recent themes was video game characters and my friend wore a Toad outfit involving a helmet. I love her with my whole heart, but it truly made her look like a special ed student... and the boys went wild.

I can't tell you how many times I have made a tremendous effort to do my hair and makeup for a night out on the town and go the entire evening without being approached by a single gentleman caller. But somehow in costume I have a 100% success rate. Here's what I have learned from some of the biggest hits: 

• Freaks and Geeks costume that revolved around a middle-school mathletes shirt that said "Math Wars" and had a picture of Yoda on it (thank you Goodwill gods, I couldn't have even dreamed that one up on my own)-- Because smart is the new sexy?
• A homemade tutu-- I actually don't like to think about why guys find this sexy because it feels a little like How to Catch a Predator.
• Kelly Kapowski from Saved by the Bell-- Because every male aged 25-35 had wet dreams about this girl next door.

At the end of the day, I have no idea why this works. Maybe it makes girls less intimidating to approach. Maybe I am attracting closet freaks that are into that whole pretending to be someone else Eyes Wide Shut fantasy. I don't have all the answers. But taking a trip to the Halloween Discount Center on November 1 to stock up on clearance thigh highs and pleather dresses couldn't hurt.

Love Your Lady Bits

This week I have been eating my emotions instead of drinking them since the pain of our Epcot adventure is still too fresh in my memory (and bloodstream). As always, this brings up a fresh crop of neurotic insecurities about my body image. I was unloading to a few of my lady friends and I was surprised to hear a lot of the same insecurities echoed back to me, which I found to be completely absurd since all of my friends are absolutely gorgeous, obviously. So why is it that we can dish out compliments to each other, but not to ourselves? Here are some Lady Blogger tips to loving every inch of that beautiful bod of yours:

1. Get Naked -- I find that I look significantly better naked than I do clothed. There aren't any tight waistlines making my muffin top bulge over, resulting in extra ass-space that looks like I'm hiding an adult diaper and a small family of refugees in there. I am certain that my neighbors also appreciate my get naked/open all the windows policy.
2. Get Fancy-- Every once in a while earmark an evening out dedicated to one sole and selfish purpose: lookin' hot. Spend a ridiculous amount of time on your hair and makeup, pick out an outfit that makes you feel sassy, and gather up your Lady Boners for a night on the town. Is this completely shallow and vain? Yup. Should you find the beauty within your heart or some other inspiring bullshit like that? Sure, couldn't hurt. But in the short run, this plan works just fine. Note: I have found that creating an inspiring music montage brings this experience to another level. Mine is titled "Happy Fun Girl Time" and is full of Beyoncé songs. Because no one sings with more "I am a treasure to behold and OH NO YOU DIDN'T just look at another woman because if you did I well set yo' ass out on the street" than she. I'm pretty sure that's the title of her next album.
3. Get Out of Your Head-- I was recently guilty of letting someone else's obviously impaired judgement lead me to believe I was not lookin' my best on a Get Fancy night. There's no denying it hurts a little when there is perhaps someone in particular you are trying to impress and they are perhaps a little too drunk and socially awkward to ever let you know that making out with you would be a true pleasure. But I guarantee you there are plenty of other people out there thinking "Oh wow, it WOULD be a true pleasure to make out with that fine looking piece of Lady ass!" Oh yeh, and your real beauty is in your heart or something. 

And if any or all of the above don't work, remember: we have all been there. For some of you it's that day every once in a while that you just feel "blah". And for others of us it is an every day struggle to love yourself and what you're working with. So let's lift each other up and remind ourselves that we are treasures to behold, because Beyoncé aint triflin'.


Bonus
Some of you may have seen this on Facebook already, but it's worth a re-share. It's a story about being a mermaid vs. being a whale. Let me also remind you that whales are the largest mammals on earth, which means they have the largest reproductive organs known to man. Now that's one big Lady Boner!


http://www.facebook.com/notes/shay-mitchell/whale-vs-mermaid/257680077609409?ref=nf